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The news got me thinking about my own run-in with “Satanists” in Montana, a few years back.
I was on vacation with two buddies. Our goal: four days in the backcountry of Glacier National Park. Before we set off on our hike, one of the guys scored us an invitation to his friend’s ranch outside Whitefish.
At the ranch, the friend let us use his rifles for target practice on empty soda cans (God, that was cool). Then he put us to work. Our job: to tow a dead cow into the woods.
So we drove a pickup out to the cow. When we arrived, we noticed something wasn’t right. Sure, the carcass was bloated. And yes, flies were everywhere. But the poor moo-er was missing her teets, tongue and reproductive organs.
Put simply, somebody had mutilated the poor gal.
Being a trio of suburbanites, we did what any city slickers would: we took a ton of pictures, then we used our cell phones to called our friend to come and take a look.
Our friend arrived and told us about the Satanists. They’ve been terrorizing cattle in Western Montana for months, he said. They always take the same parts of the cow, then leave the carcass to rot. Our buddy went on to explain that he didn't know if the mutilators actually worshipped Beelzebub. But they were bad, he said. Real bad.
Fast forward a few days to the conclusion of our epic hike. We had spent four days in the middle of nowhere, and finally emerged from the woods. We tromped to our rented SUV. We took off our packs. We downed the last of our water. Then, we noticed it: someone had used a palm-sized rock to smash one of the rear windows of the truck.
Immediately, we inventoried the stuff we left in the vehicle. Laptop computers? Check. Bottles of spendy tequila? Check. Duffel bag with $300 cash? Check. Turns out the only thing missing was my buddy’s camera bag, which stored the camera he used to snap photos of the mutilated cow.
Was the crime connected to the mutilation or coincidence? To this day, the three of us argue about the motive of the perpetrator.
I, for one, have always known the truth. Boys, welcome back.
Udderly Satanic. Right?
Aug 5th, 2009 by Matt Villano
Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together and give me a warm welcome for the return of…the Satanists!
It’s been a while since these crafty little devil-worshippers have sliced and diced livestock, but reports have surfaced in recent weeks that they’re at it again, cutting nipples and tongues out of cattle (sorry, vegetarians) in places like Alabama and Colorado, to name a few.
[caption align="alignright" width="260" caption="Don't moo-tilate this guy"][/caption]
The news got me thinking about my own run-in with “Satanists” in Montana, a few years back.
I was on vacation with two buddies. Our goal: four days in the backcountry of Glacier National Park. Before we set off on our hike, one of the guys scored us an invitation to his friend’s ranch outside Whitefish.
At the ranch, the friend let us use his rifles for target practice on empty soda cans (God, that was cool). Then he put us to work. Our job: to tow a dead cow into the woods.
So we drove a pickup out to the cow. When we arrived, we noticed something wasn’t right. Sure, the carcass was bloated. And yes, flies were everywhere. But the poor moo-er was missing her teets, tongue and reproductive organs.
Put simply, somebody had mutilated the poor gal.
Being a trio of suburbanites, we did what any city slickers would: we took a ton of pictures, then we used our cell phones to called our friend to come and take a look.
Our friend arrived and told us about the Satanists. They’ve been terrorizing cattle in Western Montana for months, he said. They always take the same parts of the cow, then leave the carcass to rot. Our buddy went on to explain that he didn't know if the mutilators actually worshipped Beelzebub. But they were bad, he said. Real bad.
Fast forward a few days to the conclusion of our epic hike. We had spent four days in the middle of nowhere, and finally emerged from the woods. We tromped to our rented SUV. We took off our packs. We downed the last of our water. Then, we noticed it: someone had used a palm-sized rock to smash one of the rear windows of the truck.
Immediately, we inventoried the stuff we left in the vehicle. Laptop computers? Check. Bottles of spendy tequila? Check. Duffel bag with $300 cash? Check. Turns out the only thing missing was my buddy’s camera bag, which stored the camera he used to snap photos of the mutilated cow.
Was the crime connected to the mutilation or coincidence? To this day, the three of us argue about the motive of the perpetrator.
I, for one, have always known the truth. Boys, welcome back.
[/caption]
The news got me thinking about my own run-in with “Satanists” in Montana, a few years back.
I was on vacation with two buddies. Our goal: four days in the backcountry of Glacier National Park. Before we set off on our hike, one of the guys scored us an invitation to his friend’s ranch outside Whitefish.
At the ranch, the friend let us use his rifles for target practice on empty soda cans (God, that was cool). Then he put us to work. Our job: to tow a dead cow into the woods.
So we drove a pickup out to the cow. When we arrived, we noticed something wasn’t right. Sure, the carcass was bloated. And yes, flies were everywhere. But the poor moo-er was missing her teets, tongue and reproductive organs.
Put simply, somebody had mutilated the poor gal.
Being a trio of suburbanites, we did what any city slickers would: we took a ton of pictures, then we used our cell phones to called our friend to come and take a look.
Our friend arrived and told us about the Satanists. They’ve been terrorizing cattle in Western Montana for months, he said. They always take the same parts of the cow, then leave the carcass to rot. Our buddy went on to explain that he didn't know if the mutilators actually worshipped Beelzebub. But they were bad, he said. Real bad.
Fast forward a few days to the conclusion of our epic hike. We had spent four days in the middle of nowhere, and finally emerged from the woods. We tromped to our rented SUV. We took off our packs. We downed the last of our water. Then, we noticed it: someone had used a palm-sized rock to smash one of the rear windows of the truck.
Immediately, we inventoried the stuff we left in the vehicle. Laptop computers? Check. Bottles of spendy tequila? Check. Duffel bag with $300 cash? Check. Turns out the only thing missing was my buddy’s camera bag, which stored the camera he used to snap photos of the mutilated cow.
Was the crime connected to the mutilation or coincidence? To this day, the three of us argue about the motive of the perpetrator.
I, for one, have always known the truth. Boys, welcome back.
Matt — Your tale of mootilation has me totally creeped out. So, do you think the theft was coincidence? I side on the side of a mutilator-motivated theft.
Oh it was totally the satanists. They probably got a call from some sketchy ranch hand who had seen us taking pictures of the mutilated cow. We were driving a rented SUV; I’m sure it wasn’t hard to find us. If the thieves had stolen more than just the camera bag, my argument would be different. But the fact that they passed over three laptops and about $500 worth of tequila — that pretty much makes it obvious, ya know?
Totally. Now, at trip’s end, how much tequila remained?
Enough to make the last few nights very, very fuzzy.